He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Come on in and take your pants off
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