omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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