I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
