I skipped work to stalk him.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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