Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
