Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are the jesus of drinking
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
