I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize