After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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