I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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