yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
