It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
