I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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