things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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