I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
