Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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