I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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