so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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