She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
