you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
