Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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