Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
