No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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