I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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