"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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