I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
