I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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