i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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