i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize