Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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