M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think my vagina is haunted
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
