Already got asked if we're dating
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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