when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
