just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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