Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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