You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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