smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize