his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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