I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
