and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
