Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She told me I should be a condom model.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
