I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
