ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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