dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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