Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
