i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
no you cant smoke seaweed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize