They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
