jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
