I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
