i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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