I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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