i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
