Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
