nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
