If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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