Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
