I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
