College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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