You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
