my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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